So yesterday was Valentine's Day. First one I've spent alone since I was a wee bitty freshman in high school. Goddess, that seems so long ago. It was soon after that last lonely Valentine's Day when I met the first boy I would (regrettably) fall in love with. I stayed in love with him for a very long time. In fact there's probably still a tiny part of me that carries the torch for him. When I think about him now it's sort of like, "I don't want to be with you now but if we were really really old and had given up on love and just needed companionship I wouldn't hate it if we were together." After he stomped all over my heart there was a boy who was not so nice. And then there was H. Arthur. He and I spent three blissful years fighting, making love, and hating one another. We loved each other too but mostly I think it was hate. Whatever emotion we were expressing it was always passionate. I like that about what we had. Certainly I screwed around when he wasn't offering what I needed but we were comfortable and that's all that matters. And then there was the one I thought would be "The One." I wish he had been. It was a great three years and he was everything a perfect guy could be. Someday down the line I hope I get another one like him, when I can be ready for him and all the wonderful things he has to offer me. But right now I'm not ready to settle. I won't settle for a life upstate or sacrificing a little bit of my dreams so he can live his. I won't settle for someone who can't hold me the way I need to be held and touch me the way I need to be touched. And most importantly I won't settle for someone who can't understand me, all of me, and who doesn't make the effort to figure it out. Yeah, there is a lot of darkness but there's a lot of light too. And it's all me. If you're going to love me you have to love all of it, you can't pick and choose because that is so not how I work.
So I spent yesterday alone and it really didn't bother me. Maybe I didn't get any flowers or chocolates or sappy cards but that was okay. I got to attend an extra class and chat with a professor whom I greatly admire twice in one day. I got to laugh with my friends and watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and vent my frustrations about the elusive S. whom I am no longer certain I want. I got to be flirty and fun and happy. I didn't feel alone or sad or scared about my future. I found three apartments in Brooklyn that look good to rent. I nearly finished the novel I've been reading. I looked at pictures of John Keats and let my heart swell just a tiny bit for his brooding eyes. I think I'm going to be okay. That's the lesson I'm learning. I may have my down days but I don't think I'm going to be crushed. I'm having a good time and Goddess knows these moments are rare enough for me. So I'm not looking for a new relationship, for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I know eventually he (or she) will come along and when she (or he) does it will be magical. For now I'm happy just to spend the night with a guy who has magic fingers and a cute smile who might not remember my name in the morning. I think that's just fine, I know I won't remember his.
-The Dormouse
