If one drinks much from a bottle marked poison it is almost to certain to disagree with one sooner or later.

I drink. I drink a lot. I drink and I do terrible things while I'm drunk. I say things I don't mean. No, not true. I say things I do mean. I think that's the problem. I can't keep things to myself. I can't not say "I think we should sleep together" or "I used to be in love with you." I just don't know how keeping those things in works when I'm intoxicated. So I spill and I spill and I spill until I pass out. Maybe this is something I should learn to do without the help of alcohol? Or perhaps it's not possible. I don't know. I should at least try. But who am I kidding?

-The Dormouse

It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change

I have laid myself bare. To someone new. To someone I don't know I can trust with those raw, red moments of my life. What have I done? How could I have offered up to him my most painful, intimate, frightening secrets. I so nearly opened up entirely. This is not me. I haven't been sleeping, I haven't been eating (at least nearly not as much as I should be), I feel like I'm slipping out of existence. I want sleeping pills. I want something that will put me out for the night. Just so I can rest, so I can stop thinking. But pills scare me. I'll love them too much and then what will I have made of my life? There's nothing insightful for me to say here. I'm losing it. Can someone buy me a time machine so I can go back and make everything different? I hate the way it's all turned out. I want to scream, I absolutely want to scream but I feel like no one would hear me. I'm feeling too lost, too gone. Until next time...

-The Dormouse

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning?

Deep sigh of relief. He loved it. Dearest Dormouse why must you panic at the littlest of things? You know that essay was beautifully put together. You know that he respects your opinions otherwise he would not have expressed an interest in reading the aforementioned essay. And most of all Dormouse you understand that you're intelligent, you know your shit, and there was no reason to believe that he would think anything else. I think, my dear Dormouse, that we really need to sit down and think about the way you value yourself.

In other, different news, tonight we're going to think about...Peter Pan?

"Dormouse," you are undoubtedly wondering, "why are we going to think about Peter Pan tonight?"

Well, I'm glad you asked. You see Peter has been showing up in my life lately. We were tasked with reading the story of the Boy Who Would Not Grow Up for one of those pesky (but terribly wonderful) literature classes I take as part of my never ending quest to obtain a useless degree. And in reading his story I fell in love with Peter all over again. I confess, he was the first boy I ever fell in love with as a young girl. There was just something about Peter that I found so intoxicating. But no matter how in love you are with Peter you know he's going to break your heart. You know he'll never grow up and you will and inevitably he'll leave you because you are a grown woman and he will never be a grown man. I find though that this is perhaps what I like best about Peter. He is someone on whom I can depend to break my heart. Now, does that seem odd? That I would love that I can depend on him to break my heart?

Peter and I have a complicated relationship. Well, as complicated a relationship as one can possibly have with a fictional character. But then I suppose one can have a truly complicated relationship with someone who doesn't exist, especially if one is in love with him. Maybe if I look at the way I love the Peter I can find the explanation for the way I love the only other man in my life I have allowed to break my heart with the consistency Peter does. But that I think is a complication for another time. I think for now I will allow you to draw your own conclusions. Until next time...

-The Dormouse

The time has come my little friends to talk of other things...

This is not a feminist blog.

"Why, Dormouse," you might say, "we, your adoring (and still mostly hypothetical) fans, were under no impression that this was a feminist blog. You did not have to tell us that."

And of course you would be right. I did not have to tell you that this, my blog, is not a feminist blog. Except lately I've been thinking that perhaps it should be? That perhaps I have some things to say about the world and the patriarchy and all those lovely feminist things my Women's Studies minor has been cramming into my brain for the last four years. Perhaps I should put my views out there? I certainly do have a lot of them. But something stops me from wanting to feminist blog. It is, I think, one thing to be a feminist who blogs and another thing entirely to have a feminist blog. Perhaps I am afraid that some of the things I say will not match up to the internet's standards of feminist blogging? I certainly know I don't always say things "a good feminist" would say.

"Dormouse," you are all now calling out, "why are you even thinking about a feminist blog? You know you can still have this regular old blog and say feminist things sometimes. We will still love you."

I know my adoring (hypothetical) fans. I know you will still love me. But, if I don't give myself some direction in my pointless internet ramblings will I still love myself? You see, this is the question I have been struggling with of late. The interwebs are such a strange place to be. They make you question yourself far too much. I think for now I will just shelf the feminist blog thing and we can move on to the real problems tonight.

Adoring (hypothetical) fans, I think you deserve the truth from me. Tonight I had a panic attack over an e-mail. You see, I sent the King of the Hipsters an essay I'd written that he'd said he wanted to read. He said he wanted to read it a month ago. I only just got the courage (in case you were wondering, the formula for courage is as follows: 1 part feeling pretty good about yourself, 1 part feeling sort of sexy, 1 part feeling pretty intelligent, and 3 parts not getting enough sleep for an entire week and thus having poor decision making skills) to send it to him tonight. And now I've sent it. And it's gone. Out into the world of the interwebs where he will log in to his e-mail account and read it and maybe like it but maybe not and e-mail me back. Unfortunately, I have suddenly lost all of my courage and I wish more than anything that e-mail came with an "I absolutely regret the decision to send this" button. I find myself wanting his approval and fearing deep down inside that I will not get it. I am terrified that I may seem adorable, charming, intelligent, and maybe even sexy in person but that it's all a front for this monstrous creature who cannot even send an e-mail without seeming like a complete freak. Suddenly I feel awkward and stupid and so very small. This is not a feeling I enjoy. I do not recommend it for your futures my adoring (hypothetical) fans. And now, even though I want nothing more than to calm down I find myself obsessing. I find I am sitting on my couch dreading the moment I will find a reply from him in my inbox. This is the moment of realization I suppose where I find that being in lust with S was a lot easier. That through it all I can be more confident of my sensuality than I can of my own intelligence. I cannot flirt with my intelligence. I don't find my academic prowess to be particularly sexy. Yet here I am, attempting to gain approval through my intellectual pursuits and I am worried that I am failing. Perhaps things are easier when they are sexual. Perhaps I should stick to that? I don't know. After all of this you, my adoring (hypothetical) fans, will find me, the Dormouse, completely at a loss. Maybe you can figure it all out? Until next time...

-The Dormouse

It would have made a dreadfully ugly child; but it makes rather a handsome pig...

Hi everyone, it's me again. Did you miss me? Of course you didn't, there really isn't a you but I'll pretend for my ego that there is. I'm locked away in the library supposedly working on a seven page paper about a topic that, let's face it, I couldn't care less about. So of course here I am instead. I really wish I wasn't this easy distracted but then I suppose that's part of taking classes you don't care about at university. But really who cares about essays and classes? Obviously I've turned the apathy button on. I've got something much more interesting to think about: men. Okay, so maybe men aren't all that interesting. Would you care more if I told you that when I say men I mean lovers? I've been thinking about lovers a lot lately. I haven't had a lot in my life (and even if I did, do you think I'd tell you?) but I have had my fair share of romantic (and not so romantic) encounters. All of these encounters were with very different people some of them men, some of them women, some good, some bad, some completely regrettable, and some wonderful. This is what I've come to realize about lovers: in one's life there are certain kinds of lovers one absolutely must experience. And, since I'm such a lovely person (and I absolutely do not want to write this essay) I'll share these lovers with you. And yes, these are generalizations and I do know that not every guy who fits into these categories will be the way I've experienced them. Stop being such a downer. If you want accurate portrayals of life, lovers, and all that other good stuff stop reading a blog on the internet and just go out and live your own life.

1. The sweet, nerdy, funny, sort of shy but completely adorable guy: This guy is so wonderful because he's just so kind. He'll hug you when you're feeling down and he'll always make you laugh. He's shy but once he opens up to you you'll be completely let in. He won't hold back anything, including how he feels about you. He's nervous, cautious. He doesn't know what moves he's allowed to make and this is actually wonderful. He'll ask for your permission to touch you, he'll never assume that just because he was allowed to do something once that it is now his right and privilege to do it over and over again. In my experience he's also a great kisser but this can't be guaranteed. Maybe you'll have to teach him how to do something. Maybe he'll already know how to do it on his own. The best thing about him though is that he's willing to try. He's not so full of himself, of how great he is, that he's unwilling to let you take the lead. And when it's all over he'll totally sit with you on the couch and watch that stupid movie that always makes you laugh (or that stupid movie that always makes him laugh...or that stupid movie that always makes you both laugh).

2. The passionate, all about your ass/tits/hips/whatever body part of yours you're most obsessed with, "I want you right here, right now, and damn the consequences" guy: He's sexy. That's the main draw of this guy. He's sexy and he thinks you're sexy too. And yes, you can't base a relationship off looks alone but you can definitely base an affair on that. Maybe somewhere down the line you'll find out this guy has a personality but we're not talking about boyfriend material here, we're talking about sex. And goodness is this guy ever good at sex. He's basically walking sex (yes, women can objectify too...it's not just a thing for boys anymore) and he wants you all the time. He'll make you feel amazing, he'll tell you you're beautiful, he'll touch you in ways you didn't know you could be touched. In the elevator, in the car, in the fucking broom closet if he wants you he'll let you know. He's up for anything. He's ready for you when you want him. He's sort of the perfect booty call and though it may be un-feminist of me to turn people into nothing but a quick lay let's face it, sometimes a quick lay is nice. No strings attached can be wonderful. When you can abandon everything about your life and just fall right into fucking it can feel so nice. And there's never the awkwardness of having to go out on a date.

3. The strung out, trippy, hippy guy: Okay, maybe a drug addict isn't a practical consideration for everyone. You really need to be a part of exactly the right subculture for this guy otherwise you'll just fight all the time about how he needs to put down the bong and get a real job. But since I spent a good deal of time being part of just exactly the right subculture I can tell you that if you know this guy you should get with him. He's laid back and he'll share his stash with you. He'll pay for your pie when you've got the munchies and he'll probably know what to do when you have a bad trip. But most importantly this guy is down for the kink. His mind has been opened enough that he's interested in something fun and maybe just outside the bounds of "normal" sex. He's fun. Of course, he's a problem if you're a recovering addict and he's not so stay away from him unless you're looking to get back into that shit.

4. The guy you'd like to be with for...forever: Yeah, I went there. Eventually everyone finds that guy they want to be with forever (unless he's a girl which pretty much goes for all of these guys because yes, all of these guys exist in female form). Maybe it doesn't last for forever but while you're in it and it feels so right this guy is everything you need. There's not much more I can say. All the lovers in the world don't really compare to the guy you can love. Who knows? Maybe he's one of the three guys I mentioned up there. Maybe he's one of the many different kinds of lovers a girl can have in her life. But I encourage everyone to fall in love because really that makes it all feel so much nicer. It's comforting to have a partner in sex and in, well, life.

So that's how I see it. Go forth all you hypothetical people reading this blog. Go out there and have some fun, have some sex, and maybe even fall in love. Go live your life. As for me? I'm going to go out there and finish this horrible essay.

-The Dormouse

The adventures first...explanations take such a dreadful time.

Hey, it's me, Dormouse in jolly ol' England. It's beautiful here. Getting here was absolute murder but now I'm in London and it's all fabulous. I've made friends (*shock*) and we've been wandering around the city as much as we possibly could. And so now, not that you care, I will recount what has happened in the past few days. Sit back, relax, and enjoy pretending you were as cool as me.

Day 1: After traveling 20 hours on planes from Honolulu to Heathrow I stepped off the plane and into the hottest and most uncomfortable airport I think i have ever experienced. It was disgusting. I thought I was melting. My stomach was tied up in absolute knots because I was irrationally terrified that they would not allow me into the country. The immigration officer asked too many questions but he let me in. Then it was a long trek to find the University representative who would lead me to the coach and take me to the school. Made it there in one piece (just in case anyone wasn't certain) and met up with my friend. The first day wasn't particularly eventful. We met a girl from Austria, a guy and a girl from France, and a hipster from Virginia. Everyone went into town to a pub including a bunch of kids from Jersey. They were embarrassing. They fist pumped. We pretended they were from a different country.

Day 2: Another fairly uneventful day. Registered for classes, got my student ID, pretty basic stuff. Went to Asda which is basically British WalMart. Bought Capri-Sun. Was amazed when it tasted better than in the states. Figured out it was because they use sugar here instead of corn syrup. Fun times all around. Then my friend who came to England with me decided she could no longer remain in the country for health reasons and left me. That was upsetting. Incredibly upsetting. I'm actually still upset about it.

Day 3: Now friendless, I wandered about looking for someone to take me in. Found quite a few people actually. Went into Central London with all the other students here. Took far too many photos. Had a blast. Rode the London Eye. The view is absolutely spectacular from way up there. I got some amazing photos of London. Ended up staying in the city with a bunch of other girls to grab dinner. I ended up getting crepes with another girl. They were delicious. I had dessert for dinner because the savory crepes did not appeal to me. Overall it was a very exciting night.

Day 4: Went to Hampstead and Camden with all the other students. Saw Boy George's house in Hampstead. Saw a bunch of houses which were once former residences of famous authors, painters, and other various artists. Hampstead was beautiful. Camden was crazy. It's full of hipsters and amazing shops. I think I died and went to heaven while I was there it was that fantastic. I had some awesome Indian food with two of my other friends. We wandered around the shops and I even bought a pretty little amethyst necklace. It was, simply put, a marvelous afternoon. We got back early and I was so exhausted I managed to get some sleep.

Day 5: Happy fourth! I ended up going to the Freud Museum, Abbey Road, Baker Street, and then back to Camden. It was pretty awesome. I got my photo running across the road and with a giant statue of Sherlock Holmes. It was such an eventful day. There was a little cafe in Hampstead, where we started our morning, and they had the most amazing pain au chocolat I think I have ever had. I want to go back there as soon as possible.

Wandering around London has been fun thus far. Who knows where the days will take me next? Today we're heading over to the Tower of London. It should be a fun time for all involved. Hope everyone else's lives are as amazing as mine is right now. I feel so excited and free and light. It feels good to be able to feel this way. Until next time!

-The Dormouse

You're late for tea

Figs are beautiful little fruits. And they will be in season soon. And they will be at Whole Foods. And I will be buying them and wrapping them in prosciutto and stuffing them with goat cheese, balsamic vinegar, and paprika. Hopefully they will be beautiful little fruits wrapped in meat which my friends will enjoy. That is the hopeful moment of the day.

My computer has been fixed and it is working. I am quite happy with that. They replaced all the broken bits around the edges which is nice because now it looks prettier. I am taking pleasure in small victories because otherwise I will spend my month here moping which no one wants at all. I am reading a lovely novel about a nerdy girl who is in love and who is experiencing a terrible summer. Quite funny really. It will keep me quite entertained for the next few days at work. Work unfortunately has gotten no better.

I would like it if someone would text me while I am drunk and remind me not to fold other people's laundry. Not all of my friends are as good natured as S. when I berate them for folding their laundry incorrectly.

-The Dormouse