He took Mrs. Darling's kiss with him...

Dear Dormouse,

Not every man is the last man you were with. Not every man is S. Not every man will say the words, "I knew I was toying with you but it was so much fun I couldn't stop." In short, not every man will derive pleasure from making you cry. This is important to remember because you deserve happiness. And you're with someone now who could make you happy. So let him try. Stop doubting his motives and assuming he's laughing at you behind your back and just be with him. Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can try? I think you can.

All it takes is faith and trust...

I got a date! I got a date! La la la!

Okay, imagine me spinning around in circles all night last night singing this little ditty. Now there's a follow up verse. It goes like this:

I got a second date! I got a second date! La la la!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I, your lovely Dormouse, have managed to get not just one but two dates! Hooray for me! The first date was quite nice. I hope it can only get better from here. Maybe it's best not to get one's hopes up? But I want to get happy so badly and tonight I giggled like a fool and kissed like a teenager in a public place. My nerves are still humming and I'm smiling with all my teeth. So let's hope for the best on this, okay? Between you and me, I really like him...

To die must be an awfully big adventure...

Some nights for no good reason and out of nowhere I miss my father. He's not coming back. And I know that, obviously. I've known it since the moment my mom told me he died (I hate that word). Except I have these nights where it suddenly feels like new information. I remember and then there I am in a sobbing heap in the middle of my bed. Does it hurt less? Ever? I didn't even get to say goodbye. So busy chasing my fucking dreams 6000 miles away I didn't even tell him I loved him, or that I forgave him for everything that happened, or that I was sorry for all the things I did. Why didn't I get that chance?

-The Dormouse

In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls...

Dual post tonight. Part fat girl rant part personal bit. We might get a little feminist up in here. You know you love it.

So today I'm at Barnes and Noble browsing novels. I went in to buy a specific novel (The Magician King by Lev Grossman, which I found and bought in case you were wondering, along with a copy of the complete novels of Jane Austen because it was only $25) but ended up wandering around teen fiction for a bit and of course I found something there to make me mad. It's a novel called Life in the Fat Lane. You can check here for a plot synopsis and some really scathing reviews. If you don't want to click my helpfully provided link then I'll sum up what I got from the back of the book (let's be honest here: I was in the bookstore looking for something else, I didn't pause to read an entire book that had already pissed me off in a few short paragraphs on the back cover). Lara (Laura? I can't remember) is a beautiful girl and everybody wants to be her. Then she gets fat for no fucking reason. Now everyone hates her and she hates herself (she also apparently hates other fat people even more than she did before according to the internet reviewers). There are only two ways I can see this ending: Lara loses the weight and is incredibly relieved to never have to live as an ugly fat girl again OR Lara doesn't lose the weight but learns an all-important Fat Girl Life Lesson. By this point I'm sure you realize I don't agree with either of these conclusions. Both are detrimental and I think they're bad for the same reason. Both conclusions treat life as a fat girl as a learning opportunity. Either you learn to appreciate what you had (your "perfect" skinny body) or you learn that Fat Girl Life Lesson.

As a fat girl I have to say I'm fucking insulted. My life is not your FUCKING LEARNING OPPORTUNITY! I don't have the answers to life because people weren't nice to me because I'm fat. One day in my body probably will teach you a lot of lessons. You'll learn how to make kickass indie playlists, you'll learn how not to punch your heterosexist, racist, sizeist, grandmother in the face every time she opens her mouth, you'll probably learn how to recycle a ridiculous amount of industrial sized printer cartridges, you might even learn how to make the best pot of mac and cheese you've ever experienced in your entire life. Yes, these are all really cool things to know (especially the mac cheese thing. I'm pretty impressed with myself on that one). You know what they're not? They're not all important life lessons that will change your personality and the way you view the world (okay, dealing with my grandmother might do all those things but that's something unique to me; I do not share the old bitch with all the fat girls in all the world). I resent the idea that my life as a fat girl is so fucking abnormal, so fucking out there, that simply being me will teach some other lady all the important things she needs to know about life, the universe, and everything. Let me tell you the extra 60 pounds I'm packing did not come with an instruction manual on how to live my life and be a better person. Stop making books and TV shows and films where skinny girls learn about life through becoming fat. I am just as lost as the next person. My excess weight does not make me any more capable than anyone else and it just pisses me off when being a fat girl becomes this mystical magical thing that you learn from and then you get to transform into the beautiful princess. I'm already the fucking beautiful princess and fuck you if you can't figure it out.

In other news, the other night I said the following sentence to a friend of mine: I love the awful way he makes me feel so good. I am baffled by my own self because I know the sentence is true. There's a guy who makes me feel so amazingly lovely while simultaneously making me feel so dirty deep inside. It's been bothering me. I know I'm being used. I know I'm using him. It's a strange tug-of-war and even though we're both winning I get the feeling we're both losing too. Anyway, that's just a random middle of the night thought. My mind is wandering to all these strange places right now. Time to step back, look at myself in the mirror, and reaffirm how fucking fabulous I am. Maybe you all should do it too. We can always use a little reminder of our own greatness now and again. So, whoever you are, you're beautiful, you're wonderful, you're smart, but don't let me sit here and tell you this. Go tell it to yourself.

-The Dormouse

Any happy little thought?

I'm lonely. Incredibly lonely. I go to work every morning, I come home every night, I curl up with a good book by myself and I miss the feeling of arms around me. I want someone I can use and throw away. Does that make me horrible? I think it does. I'd be upfront about it. Just someone to have fun with, to hold me through the night, to sleep with. I'm not looking for anything serious. Of course I'm not. I'm moving back to New York in six months and that's a distance I'm not willing to jump. Plus there's this wonderful young man in DC who simply drives me wild. Things with him are still as up in the air as ever. We talk, he seems to like me, but who knows? I suppose we'll figure it out eventually.

I'm missing the continental US. But I've dug all my Harry Potter books out of storage and I'm looking forward to re-reading them. I'm thinking of getting a Harry Potter tattoo. I'm such a nerd. I like books. I like reading. I just don't want to read alone. I need someone to sit in the chair across from me while reading something thought provoking. I'm done with men who don't read. I can't be with them anymore.

-The Dormouse

You think of a wonderful thought

Hi. Have you missed me? I bet you have. You've all been sitting around saying, "Ho hum...I wish our dear Dormouse would update us on her adventures." Well, I haven't really been having any. I've started back at work and it's the same as it always is. I've just put together a very large LEGO set that looks like the Hogwarts Express. Good job me. I realize I'm quite boring while I'm home.
The other day my favorite hipster and I came up with a plan to start a band called Some Band You've Probably Never Heard Of. Sounds like an awesome plan. I should be 100% indie 100% of the time. I mean, we'll never really do it but if we did it might be amazing. I need something to do with my life besides all that scary applying to grad school stuff. At least my writing sample is coming along. Hopefully it will be something beautiful by the time I need to send it in. We'll see.
There's gay marriage in New York now. Maybe I should move back and marry my best lady friend? Or any lady friend. Might be fun.

-The Dormouse

But he was looking through the window at the one joy from which he must be forever barred...

Bob Dylan Wise and Love Quote Images, Graphics & Pictures - Facebook   (clipped to Polyvore.com)

So, I just found this quote and I love it. And the thing is, I think I agree. Lately I've been thinking a lot about love at first sight. It's confession time: I'm falling really hard for a guy. But Dormouse, didn't you relatively recently get out of a 3 1/2 year relationship? Well, yes I did. So what? This guy is great. He's smart and cute and funny and he makes me feel so relaxed when I'm around him. It's an impossible situation but there it is. Maybe I'll figure this all out soon. I'll let you know if I do.

-The Dormouse