Hi everyone, it's me again. Did you miss me? Of course you didn't, there really isn't a you but I'll pretend for my ego that there is. I'm locked away in the library supposedly working on a seven page paper about a topic that, let's face it, I couldn't care less about. So of course here I am instead. I really wish I wasn't this easy distracted but then I suppose that's part of taking classes you don't care about at university. But really who cares about essays and classes? Obviously I've turned the apathy button on. I've got something much more interesting to think about: men. Okay, so maybe men aren't all that interesting. Would you care more if I told you that when I say men I mean lovers? I've been thinking about lovers a lot lately. I haven't had a lot in my life (and even if I did, do you think I'd tell you?) but I have had my fair share of romantic (and not so romantic) encounters. All of these encounters were with very different people some of them men, some of them women, some good, some bad, some completely regrettable, and some wonderful. This is what I've come to realize about lovers: in one's life there are certain kinds of lovers one absolutely must experience. And, since I'm such a lovely person (and I absolutely do not want to write this essay) I'll share these lovers with you. And yes, these are generalizations and I do know that not every guy who fits into these categories will be the way I've experienced them. Stop being such a downer. If you want accurate portrayals of life, lovers, and all that other good stuff stop reading a blog on the internet and just go out and live your own life.
1. The sweet, nerdy, funny, sort of shy but completely adorable guy: This guy is so wonderful because he's just so kind. He'll hug you when you're feeling down and he'll always make you laugh. He's shy but once he opens up to you you'll be completely let in. He won't hold back anything, including how he feels about you. He's nervous, cautious. He doesn't know what moves he's allowed to make and this is actually wonderful. He'll ask for your permission to touch you, he'll never assume that just because he was allowed to do something once that it is now his right and privilege to do it over and over again. In my experience he's also a great kisser but this can't be guaranteed. Maybe you'll have to teach him how to do something. Maybe he'll already know how to do it on his own. The best thing about him though is that he's willing to try. He's not so full of himself, of how great he is, that he's unwilling to let you take the lead. And when it's all over he'll totally sit with you on the couch and watch that stupid movie that always makes you laugh (or that stupid movie that always makes him laugh...or that stupid movie that always makes you both laugh).
2. The passionate, all about your ass/tits/hips/whatever body part of yours you're most obsessed with, "I want you right here, right now, and damn the consequences" guy: He's sexy. That's the main draw of this guy. He's sexy and he thinks you're sexy too. And yes, you can't base a relationship off looks alone but you can definitely base an affair on that. Maybe somewhere down the line you'll find out this guy has a personality but we're not talking about boyfriend material here, we're talking about sex. And goodness is this guy ever good at sex. He's basically walking sex (yes, women can objectify too...it's not just a thing for boys anymore) and he wants you all the time. He'll make you feel amazing, he'll tell you you're beautiful, he'll touch you in ways you didn't know you could be touched. In the elevator, in the car, in the fucking broom closet if he wants you he'll let you know. He's up for anything. He's ready for you when you want him. He's sort of the perfect booty call and though it may be un-feminist of me to turn people into nothing but a quick lay let's face it, sometimes a quick lay is nice. No strings attached can be wonderful. When you can abandon everything about your life and just fall right into fucking it can feel so nice. And there's never the awkwardness of having to go out on a date.
3. The strung out, trippy, hippy guy: Okay, maybe a drug addict isn't a practical consideration for everyone. You really need to be a part of exactly the right subculture for this guy otherwise you'll just fight all the time about how he needs to put down the bong and get a real job. But since I spent a good deal of time being part of just exactly the right subculture I can tell you that if you know this guy you should get with him. He's laid back and he'll share his stash with you. He'll pay for your pie when you've got the munchies and he'll probably know what to do when you have a bad trip. But most importantly this guy is down for the kink. His mind has been opened enough that he's interested in something fun and maybe just outside the bounds of "normal" sex. He's fun. Of course, he's a problem if you're a recovering addict and he's not so stay away from him unless you're looking to get back into that shit.
4. The guy you'd like to be with for...forever: Yeah, I went there. Eventually everyone finds that guy they want to be with forever (unless he's a girl which pretty much goes for all of these guys because yes, all of these guys exist in female form). Maybe it doesn't last for forever but while you're in it and it feels so right this guy is everything you need. There's not much more I can say. All the lovers in the world don't really compare to the guy you can love. Who knows? Maybe he's one of the three guys I mentioned up there. Maybe he's one of the many different kinds of lovers a girl can have in her life. But I encourage everyone to fall in love because really that makes it all feel so much nicer. It's comforting to have a partner in sex and in, well, life.
So that's how I see it. Go forth all you hypothetical people reading this blog. Go out there and have some fun, have some sex, and maybe even fall in love. Go live your life. As for me? I'm going to go out there and finish this horrible essay.
-The Dormouse
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