To die would be an awful big adventure...

I am drowning. I tried to let it all crash over me but instead I'm letting it drown me. A friend recently told me that I cannot trust people. If I put my faith in people I will always be disappointed, always be betrayed. And in some ways I think he's right because people are unreliable and sometimes they're not there when you need them. Sometimes they're busy, sometimes they don't care, sometimes they leave you, sometimes they die. But here's the thing...I'm not ready to give up yet, not entirely. I want to love the people around me, I want to have faith in them. Okay, I don't want to love all of them. In fact I'm pretty okay with disliking most of them. But the point is I'm not ready to give up on people. I'd thought perhaps I was but it turns out I'm not. I rather enjoy putting my faith in others. And yes it does hurt when I'm disappointed and yes I do get disappointed often. But the thing is, I'm still willing to hope that I won't get hurt.

Long ago I lost my Soldier. He was wonderful. His story isn't your business so you'll have to live with what I've offered. Anyway, he died and he left a giant Soldier shaped hole. For years I've tried to fill that hole with men who seem like him. Who make me smile the way he did, who listen like he did, who held me the way he did. Only here's the thing: they're not him and they never will be. They're not going to fit the hole and plug it up. And maybe I need to stop trying to plug it up. Because that makes it impossible for the guys I'm trying to replace him with. He was, for me, utter perfection and I don't know if realistically anyone can be that for me again. So I should stop trying. I need to stop trying. It's only painful for me and impossible for them.

Anyway, like I said...I'm drowning. And I need help. I really need help. I need someone to listen. I can't do this on my own. I'm praying I haven't pushed everyone away right when I need them.

-The Dormouse