I got an e-mail today telling me I'd run off on an opportunity to meet his fiancée. I was unaware he wanted to introduce me to his fiancée. I e-mailed him back and told him I was very sorry for running off and that I would like to meet her. Then I started thinking about that. And I freaked out. I started hyperventilating. I couldn't conceive of a situation where meeting a new person ended well. I couldn't breathe I was so frozen with terror. Just the thought of meeting her and freezing up like I always do. To have her think I am some sort of idiotic mute her fiancé has befriended out of pity would be too terrible to imagine. I sat at my computer and tried to make things stop spinning as the utter terror of meeting someone new tried to kill me. And things started going upside down and I felt scared and dizzy and I wasn't even meeting her. A series of frantic IMs to Switzerland and some deep deep breaths later and I'm feeling okay. But Goddess only knows what will happen if he actually attempts to introduce me again.
I've started smoking again. It helps. I mean, it's not the best crutch to lean on but I find of late that when I panic and begin to feel like I'm crawling out of my own skin a cigarette seems to bring the calm. Maybe that's what I'll do. If he brings it up again I'll just take a deep drag on my cigarette, let the smoke out through my nose, and pretend that meeting his fiancée won't end in disaster. Perhaps it won't. He could very well see my panic and find a way to save me from it. Of course, he could also let me flounder. I certainly hope he doesn't. That would be awful. I'll let you know how it turns out. Maybe I'll just tell him how badly I panic and he'll find some way to understand it? Who knows. I'm not psychic. If I were I wouldn't have run off instead of sticking around and being introduced like a normal person and we wouldn't be in this situation.
-The Dormouse
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